Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Dying Thoughts
Even think you were dying? Couple of weeks ago I felt like I was.
Got the flu bug, was pretty sick -- took some medicine right away (which I'm discovering more and more is a mistake) and the flu bug - cold, what have you got 'stuck' felt like everything between my throat, mouth and nose was stuck. Couldn't breathe right, couldn't sneeze blow my nose cough any of that and started to hack cough and heave. (probably too much of a visual there sorry)
Anyway, went into the bathroom couldn't really cough anything up so got some vapor stuff put into a very hot tub and tried to will myself to relax to calm down, to just breathe..
and begun to think about Death. Crossing Over. The Other Side. Starting talking to Yeshua very seriously. Mostly about how unprepared I was to face Death and Him.
I begun to understand St. Isaac the Syrian a little more when he said "This life has been given you for repentance." I've done so many things (and continue to do so many things) wrong. I don't love enough. I don't give enough of myself to my bride to my children. I don't show the love of God enough to my neighbors -- at work.
I've not even begun to repent.
I'm so incredibly selfish and well, stuck in my life. Stuck trapped ineffective scared to live as much as scared to die. I laid there closing my eyes counting breaths -- calming down.
Now not just asking God to let me not die. But to let me live, and to teach me what it really means to be
Alive.
I'shalom
Seraphim
Got the flu bug, was pretty sick -- took some medicine right away (which I'm discovering more and more is a mistake) and the flu bug - cold, what have you got 'stuck' felt like everything between my throat, mouth and nose was stuck. Couldn't breathe right, couldn't sneeze blow my nose cough any of that and started to hack cough and heave. (probably too much of a visual there sorry)
Anyway, went into the bathroom couldn't really cough anything up so got some vapor stuff put into a very hot tub and tried to will myself to relax to calm down, to just breathe..
and begun to think about Death. Crossing Over. The Other Side. Starting talking to Yeshua very seriously. Mostly about how unprepared I was to face Death and Him.
I begun to understand St. Isaac the Syrian a little more when he said "This life has been given you for repentance." I've done so many things (and continue to do so many things) wrong. I don't love enough. I don't give enough of myself to my bride to my children. I don't show the love of God enough to my neighbors -- at work.
I've not even begun to repent.
I'm so incredibly selfish and well, stuck in my life. Stuck trapped ineffective scared to live as much as scared to die. I laid there closing my eyes counting breaths -- calming down.
Now not just asking God to let me not die. But to let me live, and to teach me what it really means to be
Alive.
I'shalom
Seraphim
