Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Most Difficult Day & a Prayer Request
The most difficult time I have ever had in my life was when I had to have my oldest son arrested for molesting my only daughter.
It was also the one time I felt something close to understanding the heart of God.
When I was 23? 24? My first marriage ended in a nasty seperation/divorce. I stayed single for over a year. One day I'd come home and the wife and my three boys, Robert (Bobby) - Zachary & Nicholai were gone. (they were age 3 years, 2 years and Nic was a few months) at the time...
My folks and I looked for them for 9 days before we found them. Turns out she'd been planning it for awhile...
Anyway that aside... fast forward to when I'm 28, 29. I'd been married to Janice - my bridge - the Magdalena for, oh, 3 to 4 years by this time and the Jade is born. Fast forward to 2001 about July / August of that year.
Out of the blue I get a call "I want Bobby (who's 15 years old now) to come and live with you. I can't handle him." I ask "what's wrong with him?"
She doesn't tell me what the issue really is, just "oh, stealing getting in fights, boy stuff." I am estatic. I can picture re-bonding with my oldest son, taking him to Church with me, and helping him....
Well, I won't go into details here. Sufice it to say that within 72 hours he'd showed some extremely un-appropriate behaviors towards his sister. The first time we weren't sure if what we 'saw' was really what we saw
So he got the big brother -- you're an example of what acceptable male behaviour is to your sister etc...speech and after that what we did see, again, was enough for us to drop him with his aunt in the middle of the night.
We talked with Jade, but didn't realize the full impact of what happened when Janice and I were both at work and Jade's older sister Jatonia (who was 18 or 19 years old at the time) was in the shower....
We were taking the Jade to the public health center for her shots (they are free there) and in the one section they have a waiting room with posters of STD's and we see them and move Jade away, but not before Jade looks at one (desplaying a male member) and she points and says "Oh, look -- Bobby".
The good news is (here in the present) the Jade is fine, healthy & well. Social Workers the Police Detective and her counselors were great. Her dad I think (which of course is me) still has issues...
But as the story unfolded to me, then to her mom and then to the social worker and then the detective and then the counselors -- Jade realized that she'd done nothing wrong, that Bobby had done something wrong, she'd fought and prevented penetration and didn't feel any shame, but was mad at Bobby.
My daughter is an incredible child. in speaking with Bobby it was revealed that the reason his mother wanted him to come live with me was because he had a younger sister at home (from where his mother remarried) and had been messing with her, and a baby sitter had messed with him. I asked him if they were going to get him any help? He said why would this time be any different?
Thus I had him arrested, so he'd have court appointed help. He's currently in Juve Jail. And I really don't know anything else.
The Magdalena had been so careful. We weren't even going to have any more children, and then we were blessed with the Jade.
She'd never been in day care, never been with a baby sitter... but because I allowed the predator into my home (my son!!) our years of vigilence counted for naught.
Abuse happens alot more than people think -- and more than people are comfortable to know about.
This Book - Mending the Soul is an excellent resource.
From the website:
"It's time for the church to recognize the epidemic scale of abuse. Abuse kills. In its different forms—physical, sexual, verbal, spiritual, or neglectful—abuse deadens the emotions, slays self-worth, cripples the mind, even destroys the body. Its victims are legion.
They live in your neighborhood, play with your children, and attend your church. In the United States
* one in three women will be physically assaulted by an intimate partner.
* around 1.5 million children are abused or neglected annually.
* at least twenty-five percent of girls experience contact sexual abuse.
But there is hope. God delights in mending shattered souls. However, healing doesn't come by ignoring the problem of abuse, minimizing its complexities, or downplaying its devastating impact. Healing comes by fully understanding the nature and ramifications of abuse, and by following a biblical path of restoration that allows God's grace to touch the heart's deep wounds. Mending the Soul sounds the call and leads the charge. Thorough and accessible, here at last is a unique and powerful resource for understanding and healing victims of abuse."
Seraphim
**********************
The Above was written September 25, 2005. The abuse to the Jade actually happened 2001/2002ish.
Today is August 23, 2006. My mom called me to let me know that a few weeks ago on a Sunday she saw the boys. Bobby now has a girlfriend (and long hair, tattoo's and piercings) Zachary according to my mom and nephew Avery looks just like me.. and Nicholai was there too.
Which is interesting. Because in my reckoning I figured we'd be hearing from or seeing the boys any day now. I confess I've been a poor father to them. When the thing happened with Bobby and Jade -- I didn't cope well and I allowed them to just drop off of the radar. I called and left a message with Zach to call me. Hopefully he will and that call will go well enough for me to get the information on the rest of the kids.
I've got Janice telling the Jade that Bobby is no longer in jail. I'm not sure how she will take it.
Also. The thing is. Back when I was getting Bobby to come for a visit. Zach really wanted to come too. I told him he'd get his turn. You have to know that I have agonized so many times and am today, that if I'd have let Zach come he would have stopped Bobby. Or prevented this mess. But I didn't.
Lord Jesus Christ, son of God have mercy on me a sinner. Please pray for me, I'm a mess.
Seraphim
It was also the one time I felt something close to understanding the heart of God.
When I was 23? 24? My first marriage ended in a nasty seperation/divorce. I stayed single for over a year. One day I'd come home and the wife and my three boys, Robert (Bobby) - Zachary & Nicholai were gone. (they were age 3 years, 2 years and Nic was a few months) at the time...
My folks and I looked for them for 9 days before we found them. Turns out she'd been planning it for awhile...
Anyway that aside... fast forward to when I'm 28, 29. I'd been married to Janice - my bridge - the Magdalena for, oh, 3 to 4 years by this time and the Jade is born. Fast forward to 2001 about July / August of that year.
Out of the blue I get a call "I want Bobby (who's 15 years old now) to come and live with you. I can't handle him." I ask "what's wrong with him?"
She doesn't tell me what the issue really is, just "oh, stealing getting in fights, boy stuff." I am estatic. I can picture re-bonding with my oldest son, taking him to Church with me, and helping him....
Well, I won't go into details here. Sufice it to say that within 72 hours he'd showed some extremely un-appropriate behaviors towards his sister. The first time we weren't sure if what we 'saw' was really what we saw
So he got the big brother -- you're an example of what acceptable male behaviour is to your sister etc...speech and after that what we did see, again, was enough for us to drop him with his aunt in the middle of the night.
We talked with Jade, but didn't realize the full impact of what happened when Janice and I were both at work and Jade's older sister Jatonia (who was 18 or 19 years old at the time) was in the shower....
We were taking the Jade to the public health center for her shots (they are free there) and in the one section they have a waiting room with posters of STD's and we see them and move Jade away, but not before Jade looks at one (desplaying a male member) and she points and says "Oh, look -- Bobby".
The good news is (here in the present) the Jade is fine, healthy & well. Social Workers the Police Detective and her counselors were great. Her dad I think (which of course is me) still has issues...
But as the story unfolded to me, then to her mom and then to the social worker and then the detective and then the counselors -- Jade realized that she'd done nothing wrong, that Bobby had done something wrong, she'd fought and prevented penetration and didn't feel any shame, but was mad at Bobby.
My daughter is an incredible child. in speaking with Bobby it was revealed that the reason his mother wanted him to come live with me was because he had a younger sister at home (from where his mother remarried) and had been messing with her, and a baby sitter had messed with him. I asked him if they were going to get him any help? He said why would this time be any different?
Thus I had him arrested, so he'd have court appointed help. He's currently in Juve Jail. And I really don't know anything else.
The Magdalena had been so careful. We weren't even going to have any more children, and then we were blessed with the Jade.
She'd never been in day care, never been with a baby sitter... but because I allowed the predator into my home (my son!!) our years of vigilence counted for naught.
Abuse happens alot more than people think -- and more than people are comfortable to know about.
This Book - Mending the Soul is an excellent resource.
From the website:
"It's time for the church to recognize the epidemic scale of abuse. Abuse kills. In its different forms—physical, sexual, verbal, spiritual, or neglectful—abuse deadens the emotions, slays self-worth, cripples the mind, even destroys the body. Its victims are legion.
They live in your neighborhood, play with your children, and attend your church. In the United States
* one in three women will be physically assaulted by an intimate partner.
* around 1.5 million children are abused or neglected annually.
* at least twenty-five percent of girls experience contact sexual abuse.
But there is hope. God delights in mending shattered souls. However, healing doesn't come by ignoring the problem of abuse, minimizing its complexities, or downplaying its devastating impact. Healing comes by fully understanding the nature and ramifications of abuse, and by following a biblical path of restoration that allows God's grace to touch the heart's deep wounds. Mending the Soul sounds the call and leads the charge. Thorough and accessible, here at last is a unique and powerful resource for understanding and healing victims of abuse."
Seraphim
**********************
The Above was written September 25, 2005. The abuse to the Jade actually happened 2001/2002ish.
Today is August 23, 2006. My mom called me to let me know that a few weeks ago on a Sunday she saw the boys. Bobby now has a girlfriend (and long hair, tattoo's and piercings) Zachary according to my mom and nephew Avery looks just like me.. and Nicholai was there too.
Which is interesting. Because in my reckoning I figured we'd be hearing from or seeing the boys any day now. I confess I've been a poor father to them. When the thing happened with Bobby and Jade -- I didn't cope well and I allowed them to just drop off of the radar. I called and left a message with Zach to call me. Hopefully he will and that call will go well enough for me to get the information on the rest of the kids.
I've got Janice telling the Jade that Bobby is no longer in jail. I'm not sure how she will take it.
Also. The thing is. Back when I was getting Bobby to come for a visit. Zach really wanted to come too. I told him he'd get his turn. You have to know that I have agonized so many times and am today, that if I'd have let Zach come he would have stopped Bobby. Or prevented this mess. But I didn't.
Lord Jesus Christ, son of God have mercy on me a sinner. Please pray for me, I'm a mess.
Seraphim
